Home alone... (It's a long one!)

For a good part of the day I'm home alone with the two kids now.  Eric has a little bit of time in the mornings, and sometimes comes home for lunch, but just like he has a full day of work I do too.  And boy can it be stressful.

Being a  stay at home mom is a tough adjustment.  It's even harder, I assume, when you're also adjusting to life with a newborn and a toddler.  I never know what I should be doing during the day, besides feeding and changing them.  I try to keep us moving, but since I'm not used to being a full time mom, progress is slow.    What kind of play time do they need?  I have no idea.  How do I react to her outburst?  Oops, I yelled ... again... now what?  How do I teach her not to hit when I so badly want to spank her?  How do I tell her "don't yell" when I want to yell?  What's causing the meltdowns and how can I prevent them?  Parenting is hard... it was hard at nights and on the weekends but it's even harder as a full time job.  You have a lot of work to do, and a lot of pressure (mostly self inflicted) to instill good manners, traits, and skills in these youngsters.  And I've only been at this for a couple weeks. 

On top of that, mommy guilt has set in. Do I really give her the attention she needs? Do I stimulate her enough? Is he held enough? What is he supposed to be able to do right now? Is he stimulated enough? Do they know I love them? How do I teach her? What do I teach her? How do I get her to not scream as much? What's with the tantrums? What am I doing wrong? I really feel bad that I have to spend so much time nursing him (even though he's a world class champ when it comes to speed eating - only eating about10 minutes) and getting him to sleep (that takes much longer - about 20 minutes) only for him to sleep for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half before wanting to eat again. For a toddler who wants you to sit down and play with her, that can be frustrating. And for the mom who hears "sit?" 10 times in a row it's frustrating.  I'm sure she gets plenty of my time... more than she used to get... but you still wonder if it's enough.  Then there's his attention - when she demands so much more (assuming he's calm) it's hard to make sure he's getting his fair share.  Oh the guilt!

I am, however, getting the hang of going out with the two of them by myself (we've been a variety of stores, the grocery, the post office, the mall - all on our own!).  Kayla's been very good about riding in the carts or walking with me while I wear him.  I do need some help with patience, because when we go to one too many places or we go too close to lunch time she starts acting out.  It's my own fault, I should know better, but when she's doing so good you forget that in 2 minutes she can turn on you!  :-)  But, really, she's been very good out in public. 

At home, we're working on things.  We're working on the discipline and how to handle the outbursts.  We're working on getting Tyler to fall asleep even though she's talking and laughing and yelling.  We're working on what in the world to eat during the day.  I'm sure she'd gladly eat waffles every day but I'm pretty sure that even though I bought the "lite" syrup there's still more sugar in there than she really needs.  We're working on how to handle it when both of them are crying... or, ya know, when just one of them is crying.  We're working on finding balance.... there has to be some... somewhere. 

So, do I like it?  I do.  As long as I can keep us busy.  There are stressful times every day, but I'm trying to laugh at more things, to take things slower, to be patient.  But, I'm so not patient.  I try, but there are times when my timeline and either of their timelines do not match up and that is when we break down.  Do I think I could do this long term, I have no idea.  Right now we're learning, figuring things out.  There are good days and bad days.  I'm looking forward to Tyler getting into a routine, so we can all get into a routine... that would go a long way in making the adjustment.  Then I just have to figure out how to teach and entertain them.  Right now it's just about keeping us alive.  :-)

And, for those who want to know, this is what our days usually look like right now. 

6:30am
wake up 
get everyone dressed
feed the kiddos a morning snack
say bye to dad
play with toys
make breakfast
feed Tyler
go to park, run errands, and/or take a walk (1 or 2 of those)
feed Tyler
make and eat lunch
play/read
feed Tyler(hopefully he falls asleep)

1:00pm
put Kayla down for a nap and listen to her talk/cry for 20 minutes
mom's nap time
feed Tyler
mom's productive time - clean up from lunch and pick up toys.  check email.  make phone calls, write blog, upload pics, etc.
get Kayla up from nap and provide snack
feed Tyler
play/watch sesame street/do a craft
feed Tyler
dad comes home and play with kids
mom cooks dinner
more play time or a walk

8:00pm
Bath time and bed time for kiddos