1. Fear of Death. Yup, never before did dying, anyone in my family dying, concern me. It's not that I thought we would all live forever, it just wasn't something I thought of a lot. But now, it's right at the front of my brain - I don't want to die, I don't want Kayla to die, I don't want Eric to die, I don't want anyone to die. What brings this on? A horrible nightmare that I won't even get into other than to say that (obviously) someone put the fear of death in me and it was AWFUL! It's one of those stupid nightmares that I will remember for the rest of my life and I hate that but I can't do anything about it. Anyway, back on topic, I know that at some point it's going to happen, but... I don't know what to say other than I hope it doesn't happen any time soon and I hope we all die in our sleep when we're really really old and I hope that Kayla outlives us. Anything else, I couldn't handle. I was just given such wonderful life, and maybe that's what the dream was really about, that it would be horrific if it were suddenly taken away. This is not to say that I'm now ultra-careful or ultra-fearful of living life, I'm just very aware of how wonderful it is. Which brings me to the 2nd topic.
2. While Grandma was here, she turned to me and said "Can you believe you created something so perfect?" Gee, Grandma, get deep. She said that to me the 2nd day she was here and I was completely caught off guard. I hadn't thought of the pregnancy or motherhood that way but she's right. With everything that could go wrong, nothing did. Somehow all the little cells and chromosomes, pieces and parts all came together exactly right and Kayla is perfect. I won't say that to her when she knows what perfect means, we don't want her getting a big head, but for now it's okay to tell her that over and over again. It is absolutely amazing - and yet it happens every day to all kinds of different people all over the world. Maybe I'm the only oblivious one, but I wonder how many people realize that what they hold in their hands is a perfectly created life. My guess would be very few people - we all know that our babies are wonderful but it's not quite the same. We created a perfect little life and that should be treasured.
3. Worrying! I worry all the time. I worried when I was pregnant and everyone said it was just the beginning - oh how right they were. Now I worry if she's sleeping too much or too little, if I'm stimulating her enough or letting her rest enough, if I'm holding her enough or if I'm holding her too much, if I should let her cry it out sometimes or if I really want to give her the pacifier yet, if she's eating too much or too little, etc. It's exhausting! There's constantly something to worry about. And there's no stopping it. I don't know if I need to come to peace with the worrying or if I need to come to peace with life so I don't worry so much (yet another thing to worry about :) ). There's always going to be something, or more like 10 things, to worry about so I guess the answer is the latter. :)
Other than the worrying I think we have things pretty well put together. She really is a good baby. We got lucky that she isn't a colicky baby. Sure she cries, and her new cry that sounds like we're murdering her no matter what's wrong is crazy, but we can usually calm her down. She smiles throughout the day so we know she's happy. She's gaining weight so we know she's well fed. What more can you ask for - fat and happy.
5. Pure JOY! I had no idea how often this little one could stop me in my tracks, in my thoughts, and bring me such joy. Seriously, I'm sitting there one minute thinking about something stupid like "should I defrost the chicken" and I look at her or think of her and my heart skips a beat and I smile and think - God I love her. Seriously. "They" said this would happen, that you never knew you could love someone so much, but until it actually happens to you you don't understand. And now I do. Now I know what pure joy, total bliss, absolute love feels like. I know - those are pretty strong words, but it's true. There are definitely times I want to pull my hair out but they are outweighed by these moments where I just want to pick her up and hold her and kiss her and tell her a million times how much I love her. It's insane how much I love her.
4. Daycare. I have to say as much as it's going to kill me to put her in daycare - I think it will be good for her and for us. At this point, it is a little hard to stay interested in "something" that doesn't do anything, doesn't talk back, doesn't hardly look at you (she spends a lot of her time looking to the side), and who's only communication with you is screaming. I try but it's hard. Thank goodness for naps. :) That's where the worrying about stimulation comes in - when is it too much or not enough? At least in daycare she will be well socialized and the teachers there have degrees in child development so they will help her to grow and teach her every day. I don't relish the idea that someone else will have her 12 hours a day but you do what you have to do and pray the guilt doesn't kill you. :)
Okay, well, it's now past 4:30am - I've been up for the last 2 hours since Kayla ate. Why is it that my daughter can sleep but I can't? Guess we'll have a nice long nap today sometime. I hope this doesn't happen when I go back to work - I'm pretty sure my boss wouldn't allow for nap time. :)
(This pic was taken when she was just 2 weeks old, but seeing as it shows just how perfect she is I thought it was appropriate.)
#1 I think about all the time. Sad, but a lot about our dog. I seriously love her, so much I wonder if I'll love a baby as much. I think about her dying and how sad I'll be. Obvisouly not a child, but don't worry! I think it's natural to worry about death, especially after you end up with something or someone so dependant on you.
ReplyDelete#2 I've never thought of it like that, but you're totally right.
#3 Obviously I worry a ton. I keep hoping that when we have kids, all that worry that comes with them will just make my worry cells explode and I can get on with not worrying. Or atleast not crippling worry.
#4 I'm gonna sound like a crazy dog lady, but sometimes I get a similar feeling about the dog. I guess I'm just putting all my maternal feelings and instincts on her. Maybe I want a baby more than I think I do.
#5 I think daycare is a necessary evil, and don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're a terrible mom because you may have to put her in it. You're doing what you need to do to provide for her, and like you said, it's socialization and activity that's going to help her.
Enjoy your long nap.
p.s. just for funny, the word verification is 'woway,' which, kind of sounds like 'worry.' like if you had a lisp like the clergyman from the princess bride. :)