My how things have changed

Last week the kids and I met GG down in LA while she was there for a sewing conference.  She was staying at a hotel that my co-workers and I used to go to for happy hour.  And this time as I waited in that bar chasing one kid going to the left and the other going to the righ I thought... my how things have changed. 

When we finally met up we went across the street to eat.  When I worked I didn't like to take a lunch because my commute was so long, I didn't want to waste time taking a 30 minute lunch break because I couldn't wait to get home to Kayla.  Now, sitting in Quiznos while the kids ran around, not eating, making it so that I couldn't eat I thought... my how things have changed.

There's a little area outside right by the hotel that I thought we could go hang out in for an hour or so letting the kids run around and spend some free time with GG.  While we were over there Kayla of course had to go to the bathroom.  So, we ran down to a row of restaurants, one of which I had visited with coworkers for a nice  lunch once or twice.  This time as I walked through it quickly carrying 2 bags overflowing with diapers, left over chips, and a nursing cover and dragging Kayla behind me I thought... my how things have changed.

The next day we left for a weekend trip to Ventura for Eric to ride a 100 mile ride.  Both Friday night and Saturday night we were all asleep by 9pm tired from a long week with little sleep (mom) and a long ride (dad).  We ate in the hotel which provided free breakfast and both days after spending about 10-15 minutes trying to convince the kids to eat we ended up back in the room to hang out on the bed and hand feed both of them.  And on Sunday as I slowly packed up the room so we could leave for the day by 9:30am (when we used to have to rush to be out by the noon check out!) I thought... my how things have changed.

It's no secret that kids change your life and it's really pretty obvious most of the time, so obvious you don't really even pay attention to it.  But when it's staring you in the face it's really pretty funny.  Just thought I'd share.

I quit!

***I wrote this a few weeks back but didn't post it because I was waiting to put it on a blog I'm going to be writing for a local website, but that is slow in starting up so I'm not waiting any longer.***

That's right, I did it!  I quit my job!  Some would say that's not a smart move in this economy, especially with two kids.  Others would say that it was an excellent choice to stay home with my two young children.  Well, everyone is right.  :-) 

It is a rough time right now, but since my job was questionable anyway (because of the horrible budgetary problems at LAUSD right now) as were my benefits, it's not a horrible time.  And it is great to stay home with my children - anyone who is willing to and can afford it should.  But those two things don't always happen.  Some people, possibly myself included, are meant to work.  They need to interact with adults, they need to be productive in the workforce, they feel a sense of accomplishment from earning a paycheck and contributing to the family financially not to mention contributing to the working world.  Some people are meant to be moms or dads at home, teaching their young children, watching them grow up, shaping their every day lives on a very real and personal level. 

Which am I?  I don't know.  I know I'm enjoying being at home with them, but that it's incredibly difficult.  It's hard to be around kids all day, I have no idea how teachers do it.  It's hard if you're put on an "allowance" because you don't bring in income (this is not the case with me, but it's certainly not unheard of).  It's hard to figure out how to entertain and teach the children all day.  But, to see them learn new things on a daily basis, see them concentrating so hard on new tasks, hear their laughter and know that they are laughing because of something you did - that makes it all worth while.  This is not to say that working parents don't enjoy these same things, but just on a smaller time frame. 

As someone who worked for the first year of her first child's life, I'm here to say, I much prefer not working.  (Not that it isn't work, but you know what I mean.)  I don't have our lives figured out yet, and there are a million piles around our house, the dishes aren't done and the laundry needs to be put away but today I watched Kayla make a friend (social skills), I watched her climb up a rocky surface to get to a slide (determination and balance), I nursed my baby boy all day long (instead of pumping at work all day just to get 1 feeding!), I watched Kayla have the time of her life sliding down a bumpy slide (fun!), I showed her sticks and leaves and grass (curiosity), I rocked my baby to sleep, I carried Kayla around and slid down slides with her (bonding), I watched as Kayla tried to hug Tyler and instead ended up laying on him - and he laughed, I comforted her when she woke up not feeling well from her nap (comfort), I helped my baby sit up, roll over, stand up, and sit down, I read my little girl bedtime books and sang her lullabies before going to bed (literacy), and made Tyler laugh by eating his belly.  Yea, it was all play for them, but what else are they supposed to do this young?  I am just so glad I was able to be a part of it, to watch them grow right before my eyes. 

If we can manage it, I would love to stay home.  If we can't and I go back to work, I'll remember these months we've had together with love and cherish our time together even more!  Until then, I'm going to try to figure this all out.

30 Days of Thanks

So, my friend posted on facebook that she was going to do 30 days of thanks - which meant that in each of her status messages she's said what she's thankful for.  Instead of doing it on there I made a post about it.  Each day in November I've added to it until today, the last day of the month.  Sometimes I had to do two or more days at a time because I forgot but since I also did defensive driving online this month I was on the computer every night!  (I wrote this paragraph on November 1st, and am here to tell you on November 30th that I did not do defensive driving every night.  In fact, I smashed it all into about 8 days toward the end of the month like the good little procrastinator I am.)

This is not in priority order or anything - this is what, at the end of the day, I was thankful for that day.  Obviously I am incredibly thankful for my husband and my wonderful kids and our families but I was trying  to be a little more broad than that (though they have been included in the list).  So, here it goes.

1. Stroller Strides!  It will get me back in shape!  And gives us something to do 3-5 days a week!
   
2. Online defensive driving!  I can do it a little bit each night from the comfort of my own home and not have to go somewhere and sit for a full 8 hours!


3. Clean teeth and no cavities!  Had a dentist appt today for the first time in almost a year and for maybe the 2nd time in my life I didn't need any work done!  Yay!


4. Sales on chocolate chips!  I had stocked up and so glad I did because today Kayla and I could make some yummy brownie cookie bars that needed lots of chocolate chips!


5. Naps, even late ones!  Kayla has decided she doesn't need to nap every day, which is really hard on both of us.  Today was one of the no nap days... until I put us in the car at 4:30 to go to the store and she fell asleep at 4:34!  Little late for a nap, but we let her sleep until 6pm and she still went to bed pretty much on time and was a happy little camper until then.  I will always be thankful that she naps, even if I don't love getting her to nap.


6. Clouds!  That's right - I'm thankful for clouds.  You know why?  Because they make the most beautiful sunsets!  I could say I was thankful for the sun, or for my vision, but I'm going with the clouds.  I love CA sunsets, especially winter ones or ones where you can see the rays coming down through the clouds.  Awesome!


7. Crafty friends!  My friend made this super cute hat and diaper cover so my little man could have adorable, and blackmail worthy, pictures!


8. The Internet!  Especially email and Facebook.  I know, I know, not everyone likes facebook (my husband included) but I know more about my distant friends now than I did before.  There's not always time to talk to everyone you want to talk to but quick little updates on Facebook or short emails are enough to keep you in the loop.


9. Thinning hair shampoo! Tried it yesterday (after my postpartum hormones kicked in a few weeks ago and made sure that I would go bald sooner rather than later) and already I see a difference.


10. Surgeons!  My step nephew obviously had fantastic surgeons working on his little 6 month old heart today!  I'm so thankful that medicine and skill has progressed to be able to fix his little holes!


11. Veterans!  My grandad and my brother in law both served in the armed forces, in wars no less, and I am thankful that they put themselves on the line to protect us.  I hope they got some free food today - lots of places were offering it!


12. Mom friends!  There is no one else in the world who can relate to you like mom friends can.  We aren't free from judgement but there is always someone who has been where you are and always someone who can commiserate with you.


13. Playgrounds!  They kept Kayla busy aaaaallll day today - at Mickey D's and two parks and through naptime.  Up the stairs, down the slide.  Up the stairs, down the slide.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat. 


14. So Cal Dallas Cowboys Fan Club!  Sure I might not like Eric to be gone any more than he has to be but I'm glad he has a group of friends that he can hang out with, relax with, have fun with on a regular basis.  We all need that.  Speaking of Eric...


15. My husband!  I am incredibly thankful for what Eric does for our family - from now being the sole financial provider to making us laugh to doing the laundry (yes, ladies, you read right, my husband does the laundry!). 


16. Pump It Up!   We went there today after not having gone in a while and Kayla had sooooo much fun with the other girls we went with.  Such a good way to spend $3-$6!  Her little smiling face is worth so much mor1


17. My sense of hearing!  (bet you never thought I'd get to the simple stuff, huh?)  I love that I can hear Kayla and Tyler both babbling/talking away or - better yet - laughing.  It's such a sweet sound!


18. Mom's Night Out!  Once a month I get together with my mom friends, no kids, no husbands - just something fun to do and food to grub on.  Soooo nice!


19. Google calendar and tasks!  If you know me you know I love lists and (as I mentioned) I love the Internet so naturally, I'm thankful that I can do my lists and see all the stuff we've got going on a calendar online!  Still gotta remember to actually update it, and it'd be nice if I could see it when I'm out (like on a Droid phone!) but I make it work.


20. Second hand baby stores!  I can still spend a pretty penny at Kohls or Target on clothes, but I love that I can also get onsies and shirts for $2-$5 at these handy little stores - and I've got 2 within walking distance of my house.  (Not that I've ever walked to them, but I could.)


21. Family Pictures!  I am so thankful that my husband indulges me once a year (or more) and gets the family pictures done.  I love seeing how our family is growing.


22. Fast food restaurants!  I know, we shouldn't eat at McDonalds or Burger King or Chick Fil A but we do, especially on days like today when I'm absolutely exhausted and do not want to cook at all.  Luckily they are starting to offer healthier choices... for when you don't feel like clogging your arteries.


23. Pudding paint and other non-toxic paints!  I am so thankful Kayla can enjoy these things and I don't have to worry about stains or, ya know, accidental death.


24. Friends who keep their kids clothes and give them to you!  We definitely have been blessed by a good friend of mine who keeps Kayla in cute, barely used, clothes for free.  Clothes, ski jackets, shoes, ugg boots... you name it.  My checking account thanks you, Kelly.


25. Trader Joes!  They had a nice little frozen turkey breast and stuffing entree that was ready in the oven in less than an hour for our cozy little Thanksgiving meal.  I only had to make green means, mashed potatoes, rolls, and pumpkin cheesecake!


26. Skype!  Being able to call and video chat with family any time you want, for free, is definitely something to be thankful for.


27. The California sun!  I love that even if it's 50 degrees outside, with the sun shining I can stand outside in a tank top and watch my little girl play while holding my son.   There are few things better than the sound of children's laughter and if the sun lets me hear it outside, I'll take it.


28. Children's libraries!  I am so thankful that there are places where my daughter can be surrounded by books, cozy places to read them, and the quiet isn't fully enforced. 


29. My mom!  She has done so much and offered so much to get us to TX this Christmas.  We definitely could not have done it if it weren't for everything she's done. 


30. My children!  Of course.  Who isn't thankful for their children?  I am absolutely blessed to have them in my lives.  Most of the time they are super sweet, super happy little munchkins and such joys to be around.  I could not love them more.

Juggling Two Under Two

Until a year ago I never thought about having 2 kids under the age of 2... well... maybe I did since we planned to get pregnant when Kayla turned 1 but she would have been closer to 2 than she is now.  Whatever - point being - didn't really think about it.  Even when I was pregnant.  People would ask me how I was going to do it and I answered honestly - I had no idea.  I figured we'd just go on about our business and things would work themselves out.  And, generally, they are.  But, hello!  I have 2 under 2!  It's not all wine and roses - nope it's milk and burp cloths. 

I'm gonna be honest here - this isn't a happy post.  It's not sad or anything but it's honest.  And I'll try to keep the complaining to a minimum because there are certainly worse things in life (Alyssa, if you're reading this you know what I'm talking about.)  But, like I said, honest.  It's hard.  I remember when Kayla was little (b/c she's oh so big now, right?) and Eric would come home from work and ask what we did all day and I had no answer for him because what in the world was I supposed to get accomplished with a newborn at home?  They take up all your time.  Really?  Do they?  Really?  Well, now that I've got a newborn and a toddler I'm hear to say - however old your kid is, if they aren't in school they take up a lot of your time, if not all of it.  I spend at least half, if not more, of my day getting one or the other one fed or to sleep or changed. 

So, that leaves half my day for entertaining them, teaching them, being productive, and having some adult time either by myself or with Eric (or both).  When they are older it'll be great to have them so close in age because they'll be into the same things and learning sorta the same things.  Right now they are worlds apart. 

I'm trying to prevent watch Kayla run all over the library while wearing Tyler so I can't really run after her, and it's a library so I can't yell at her to get back over here. 

I'm trying to get him some much needed tummy time because I didn't do it the first few weeks of life because he slept so dang much and here she comes trying to lay down on with him. 

If I try to put him in the swing or on his back on the mat she's trying to jump on him, pick him up, or hug him... all of which are dangerous at this age. 

We can eat meals together, provided he's eating on the left side (so my right hand is free) and her meal is completely toddler ready (meaning all cut up and easy to eat). 

We can go on walks together.  I can't put them both in the wagon yet, but that time will come.  I have 2 double strollers so we can and do go for walks in those. 

I do try to read to both of them at the same time, at least showing him the pictures. 

Can't really let her go in the toddler pool since I'd have to hold him and if she fell down in there she'd still be under water (it's only a foot but a foot of water is a foot of water!).  I can't play with her on her water mat, but she can entertain herself in there. 

If I try to get him down for a nap, what do I do with her so she doesn't yell or talk loudly, as she's prone to do, and wake him up?  He sleeps upstairs so I gotta leave her downstairs to put him down - what can she get into? 

She needs to be changed so he's stuck in the chair or in the crib while she attempts to help me change her (potty training time anyone?)  If he's on the chair within a few minutes he's worked himself down so he's all slouchy or he's fallen over and bent in half.

He's pretty easy to handle right now - you can put him down and walk away and not worry that he's going to go running off in the opposite direction.  Those times will come. 

At the park, he needs to eat or be changed, and she's off running around the playground (which is generally fine, but there are still stairs and ledges she can fall off.  Thank GOD for other moms!)

I need to change his diaper but she lays down on any blanket or pillow we put on the ground.  She actually will fling herself down, get up when I ask her too, hover over it until I'm about to put him down and then fling herself down on it again.  This becomes a little game - to her.  Not to me. 

It's just every day stuff.  The early weeks/months of having a baby is hard no matter what.  I mean, it's not rocket science hard, but the adjustment to your life is hard.  Figuring things out.  Making a routine.  Throw a toddler into that mix and you've got a recipe for craziness that includes a lot of liquor and tears.  It's fun.  They make me laugh.  A lot.  They makes me want to pull out my hair... and theirs.  She makes me want to squeeze her tight (sometimes maybe a little too tight) and tell them I love them a million times a day (I don't want to squeeze him yet, he's not sturdy enough yet at only about 11 lbs.  But it's just crazy here.  Just enough crazy to have a messy house and hurried lives... and we aren't even involved in school projects, committee meetings, parent/teacher nights, sports games, practices, rehearsals, etc. 

Life...ready or not...here we come!

P.S. I don't even want to know what twins would be like!  Mom's of twins are SUPER moms!

Home alone... (It's a long one!)

For a good part of the day I'm home alone with the two kids now.  Eric has a little bit of time in the mornings, and sometimes comes home for lunch, but just like he has a full day of work I do too.  And boy can it be stressful.

Being a  stay at home mom is a tough adjustment.  It's even harder, I assume, when you're also adjusting to life with a newborn and a toddler.  I never know what I should be doing during the day, besides feeding and changing them.  I try to keep us moving, but since I'm not used to being a full time mom, progress is slow.    What kind of play time do they need?  I have no idea.  How do I react to her outburst?  Oops, I yelled ... again... now what?  How do I teach her not to hit when I so badly want to spank her?  How do I tell her "don't yell" when I want to yell?  What's causing the meltdowns and how can I prevent them?  Parenting is hard... it was hard at nights and on the weekends but it's even harder as a full time job.  You have a lot of work to do, and a lot of pressure (mostly self inflicted) to instill good manners, traits, and skills in these youngsters.  And I've only been at this for a couple weeks. 

On top of that, mommy guilt has set in. Do I really give her the attention she needs? Do I stimulate her enough? Is he held enough? What is he supposed to be able to do right now? Is he stimulated enough? Do they know I love them? How do I teach her? What do I teach her? How do I get her to not scream as much? What's with the tantrums? What am I doing wrong? I really feel bad that I have to spend so much time nursing him (even though he's a world class champ when it comes to speed eating - only eating about10 minutes) and getting him to sleep (that takes much longer - about 20 minutes) only for him to sleep for anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half before wanting to eat again. For a toddler who wants you to sit down and play with her, that can be frustrating. And for the mom who hears "sit?" 10 times in a row it's frustrating.  I'm sure she gets plenty of my time... more than she used to get... but you still wonder if it's enough.  Then there's his attention - when she demands so much more (assuming he's calm) it's hard to make sure he's getting his fair share.  Oh the guilt!

I am, however, getting the hang of going out with the two of them by myself (we've been a variety of stores, the grocery, the post office, the mall - all on our own!).  Kayla's been very good about riding in the carts or walking with me while I wear him.  I do need some help with patience, because when we go to one too many places or we go too close to lunch time she starts acting out.  It's my own fault, I should know better, but when she's doing so good you forget that in 2 minutes she can turn on you!  :-)  But, really, she's been very good out in public. 

At home, we're working on things.  We're working on the discipline and how to handle the outbursts.  We're working on getting Tyler to fall asleep even though she's talking and laughing and yelling.  We're working on what in the world to eat during the day.  I'm sure she'd gladly eat waffles every day but I'm pretty sure that even though I bought the "lite" syrup there's still more sugar in there than she really needs.  We're working on how to handle it when both of them are crying... or, ya know, when just one of them is crying.  We're working on finding balance.... there has to be some... somewhere. 

So, do I like it?  I do.  As long as I can keep us busy.  There are stressful times every day, but I'm trying to laugh at more things, to take things slower, to be patient.  But, I'm so not patient.  I try, but there are times when my timeline and either of their timelines do not match up and that is when we break down.  Do I think I could do this long term, I have no idea.  Right now we're learning, figuring things out.  There are good days and bad days.  I'm looking forward to Tyler getting into a routine, so we can all get into a routine... that would go a long way in making the adjustment.  Then I just have to figure out how to teach and entertain them.  Right now it's just about keeping us alive.  :-)

And, for those who want to know, this is what our days usually look like right now. 

6:30am
wake up 
get everyone dressed
feed the kiddos a morning snack
say bye to dad
play with toys
make breakfast
feed Tyler
go to park, run errands, and/or take a walk (1 or 2 of those)
feed Tyler
make and eat lunch
play/read
feed Tyler(hopefully he falls asleep)

1:00pm
put Kayla down for a nap and listen to her talk/cry for 20 minutes
mom's nap time
feed Tyler
mom's productive time - clean up from lunch and pick up toys.  check email.  make phone calls, write blog, upload pics, etc.
get Kayla up from nap and provide snack
feed Tyler
play/watch sesame street/do a craft
feed Tyler
dad comes home and play with kids
mom cooks dinner
more play time or a walk

8:00pm
Bath time and bed time for kiddos

The difference

So today, our first day home, I was relaxing on the couch (and the chair and the patio) while Tyler slept and Kayla ran around (with Rita and Eric chasing after her).  Kayla's not that old but she is, comparatively.  It's so interesting to see the differences between them and within them.  Kayla's been really hyper since Tuesday, constantly running around and yelling and laughing.  She's been pretty well behaved, though she is getting away with more with Gammy than she does with us.  (But that's what grandparents are for right?)  She's very interested in Tyler, wants to put stickers on him, wants to hold him and see him and watch him.  But, watching her play around today, her dexterity, her intentions and desires, is so fascinating.  It's not like she knows THAT much more this week than she knew last week but maybe I just have the opportunity to watch her more now.  Whatever the reason, it's fascinating.  I love watching her, seeing how she interacts with people, see how much she loves her daddy, see how determined she is to do certain things.  She's growing and learning more each day - I'm just glad that (for now) I have the time to sit and watch it happen.  That will soon come to an end I assume but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Isn't life funny...

Just when I thought my head would explode if I had to go to work one more day I was called to jury duty.  Turns out I was selected (or not dismissed) for a criminal trial that will last about 5 weeks!  Good news?  Bad news?  Most people would say bad.  I'm jumping for joy!  Court starts at 10am, you get a 1 1/2 hour lunch break, and you're out by 4:30.  And the courthouse is literally within walking distance of our house!  No 2 hour commute each way to work every day.  No working through lunch.  No rushing out the door at 6:30 in the morning.  Yes, on non-court days I still have to go in - so most Friday's, but I can handle that.  And, last but not least, this will take me to the middle of May, I go back to work for 2-3 weeks and then I'm on maternity leave that can last until Thanksgiving!  Yay!

Seriously though, I was in a not great place at work.  Projects were frustrating.  People were frustrating.  My computer was frustrating.  My boss was cut because of the budgets.  Another team member left abruptly.  More budget cuts and bumping (where someone with more seniority gets cut and gets to take the job of someone less senior) are sure to come in the next few months.  Morale is super low.  Stress is super high because we have less people to do more work.  It's just a crap time at LAUSD right now.  Not just for me or my project, but the whole of the district. 

While serving on a jury, of a criminal trial no less, is nothing to take lightly, it serves as a welcome break for me.  It's a life experience that one can learn from (you know, not to commit crimes), something different, something to shake up reality, something to compare against all those books and episodes of Law and Order.  It's a little scary but it's exciting.  It means more time with Kayla, more time at home, time to let go of all the crap at work.  I feel bad that what I was working on now has to be taken over by other people, all of whom are overburdened themselves, but there's nothing I can do about that.  All I can do is make the opportunity count, make it mean something, not only in the life of the defendants but in mine as well.  And I plan to take full advantage of the opportunity. 

I obviously can't talk about the trial until it's over, but stay tuned, it should be interesting.  And, who knows, maybe I'll have some insights I can share prior to the end.

Letter to Kayla (1st year post)

I started writing this right around the time she was one, then got distracted and just finished it... and thought I'd share. 

******************************************************************************

Dear Kayla,

Last year, we thought you were never going to make your debut. Last week, you turned one! One! Really? Where did the last year go? It’s hard for me to remember you as a baby baby.

You’re still a baby, though now technically a toddler… it’s the early days I have a hard time remembering. When I think of you, when I look at you, I see my little girl growing up. I see my girl walking towards me with a big smile on her face, so proud of your new accomplishment.

With that beauty staring me in the face it’s hard to think back to when you were just days old (when you were hours old, things are a big ole blur so we won’t even go that far back). It’s hard to remember just how small you were, just how softly you cried (though we thought it was the loudest thing we had ever heard), just how helpless you were.

But it’s all true. You know what I do remember? I remember the nurses forcing you to nurse in the hospital, I remember wanting to kiss every inch of you – even your feet and I hate feet, I remember your daddy watching so closely over you those first few days, but not waking up when you were screaming at night and I couldn’t fix the problem because I didn’t know the problem.

 I remember both of us trying so hard to swaddle you, which turned out to be a lot harder than we anticipated. Flash forward a few weeks when you’re 1sts started happening – when you started smiling, rolling over, grabbing at your toys, laughing. We try so hard to make you laugh.

Ever since you started we never wanted you to stop. Even now we do silly things to hear your laugh – we put things on our head, we tickle you, we do silly dances and make silly noises, all in an effort to ensure that you are a happy, laughing girl. And you so are. You’re a very happy girl, though you are very possessive and stubborn. No taking things away from you, even if you shouldn’t have them, no doing something you don’t want to do or stopping something that you’re doing – you’re very good at throwing a fit. But despite the fits, the laughter shines through. Often we can get you to laugh even in the middle of crying – that’s when we know you are faking it. Oh, and you’re very good at faking it. But we’re learning…we don’t fall for it anymore. :)


In the last year we’ve learned that you are a very determined and thoughtful girl. When you learn a new skill you’re hesitant at first, trying it only a little at first before you’re willing to really start working at it.

But once you make your mind up that you can indeed do “it”, whatever “it” is, you work so hard at it and you don’t give up. Right now that new skill is walking. You attempted it one day, but didn’t try again for several weeks. Then you decided it was pretty cool and tried it a little more each day, and now finally it’s your chosen mode of transportation. You still fall down a lot, and it’s probably still faster to crawl, but you keep trying. You get right back up and you try again. You don’t cry very much, unless you fall repeatedly without making it even 2 feet forward, you just keep getting back up. And once you’ve got the hang of whatever new skill it is, you are so incredibly proud of yourself. And why shouldn’t you be? You learned something new, you worked hard at it, and you didn’t give up. We are always proud of you but being proud of yourself is a good characteristic to have, it’ll make you want to succeed, it’ll make you want to keep trying, to keep learning because you enjoy it and you enjoy the results.


You are eager to learn, to explore. Always reaching out to find something new to hold on to or put in your mouth. I’m sure that’s probably applicable to most toddlers but I just cannot imagine that most of them do it as consistently as you do. You are always looking for something new. You don’t care what it is – dirt, mud, an old cheerio, a tomato, a book, a berry – anything you see you want to hold it. Maybe you just like things in your hands, but I think it’s more than that. I think it’s your way of learning about the world around you. Reach out and grab it, examine it, and if you like it, never let it go. Oh, that last one is a major part of it. If you find something you like you do not let go of it. Today you carried around 2 things, interchangeably – a pen and a packet of hot sauce from Taco Bell. And you chewed on both of those and kept a vice grip on them for the better part of the day.


You are also a very sweet girl – you love to give kisses and hugs not only to us but to your “friends”.

I put that in quotes because at this point you like everyone, your friends are the children of the people I hang out with the most. Though you’ve been known to hug kids who you’ve never seen before. You are just a friendly girl. I have to say though that you gravitate towards guys and boys – starting a little young I think but hey, to each her own.

I want to say you are very unique but that’s probably not true. I talk to other mom’s and they are having similar experiences with their kids. But you are definitely you. In the coming months and years you’ll become more independent, probably more stubborn, more beautiful both inside and out, and will reveal more of yourself to us and I cannot wait. I hope that as your mom I can teach you the things you need to know, like how to give really good hugs and rely on yourself and trust others and how to bake chocolate chip cookies (your dad’s favorite). I’m looking forward to slumber parties and tea parties and trips to the apple orchards and to the zoo but most of all I’m looking forward to getting to know you. I love you baby, I always will!


Katie

To my pregnant friends....

So, I polled my newly momified friends to find out what they would say to pregnified friends. (man, if I had thought about it I would have asked them what they would have told their pregnant selves, instead of what they'd tell their pregnant friends. Oh well, I'm sure it would be the same thing!)

Anyway, here's the first few topics (Click on one if you want to go straight to that one - since this blog is long: Pregnancy, Things We're Glad We Bought, Buying Advice, Don't Waste Your Money On...).

(Just so you know, sometimes the "I" is me, sometimes the "I" is another mom, sometimes I combined what moms said or added to it myself. Take it for what it is - new moms trying to help other new moms, roughly. :)

good luck ladies!
Pregnancy

• Enjoy as much of it as you can. It's SOOOOO hard, but try to be an "enjoy the moment" type of girl.
• Enjoy yourself, you are creating a new life in your body. You'll miss being pregnant. It might not seem like it now, but you will. Enjoy feeling the baby move and kick, enjoy those hiccups that he or she gets, those are such precious moments to cherish. And video record them - it's fun to look back on.
• Make sure you have a great digital camera.
• If it’s your first – take lots of pics of your belly.
• Keep a journal, online or on paper – it’s cool to go back and read later.
• Don’t obsess over stretch marks. If you're going to use creams, don’t go and spend a bunch of money, it’s not worth it. Stretch marks are genetic, you're going to get them or you're not and who cares if you do?!?!
• Aches and pains are normal during pregnancy!
• People try to scare you out of doing everything when you are pregnant too! IT IS OK to take a warm bath, drink a couple of cokes a day, etc. Just don't do anything in excess.
• Try snacks before you buy a bunch - don't go on other people's words. You may find all those pregnancy bars, lollipops, etc aren't worth it.
• Get comfy shoes. I found the tennis shoes that had elastic, already laced up, laces were the best - support but stretchy.
• In the final months having a belly belt helped relieved back pressure.
• Take a trip, before month 7, when you’re still feeling good and you’re not huge. It might be your last hurrah for a while.
• Regardless of what they say, you may not feel your baby move everyday. Especially if you take Sudafed! Babies have "tired days" too where they don't move a lot.
• Pregnant with multiples? Definitely join a "Mothers of Multiples" Club. Not only are they a great source of advice for moms of twins and triplets, but also they have garage sales and hand me downs for babies that coordinate and match. They also do a lot of buddy programs in case you go on bed rest. Which, of course, there's a good chance will happen.
• Take the birthing class – it really does help prepare you in terms of what’s going to happen. You’re never going to be fully prepared but the class helps. Plus, at mine, they used the same heart monitor they do in the hospital and I got a read out of the baby’s heartbeat – you don’t get the ones that come out in the hospital so that was pretty cool.
• Don't rush the delivery. Once the baby is out, you can't put it back in so you can take a nap!!
• Stay in the hospital as long as you can if you have good nurses.

Things We're Glad We Bought

• Diaper champ – not the diaper genie. Diaper champ can use regular trash bags, diaper genie has its own. (But I have a sneaking suspicion that the genie is slightly better at blocking the odors – but you can just take out the trash regularly.)
• If you’re getting a monitor, get the video monitor (We were given a baby monitor, not a video one, but since our house is so small we never set it up – once you become a mom your ears become super human and you can hear almost everything – even in your sleep! If we had a video monitor, maybe that would have come in handy so I can check on her and not risk her seeing me if I want her to hang out in there for a little while longer.)
• The Bumbo helps them sit up when they are dying to try it. And it helps give them just the right amount of independence.
• The bottle cleaning/drying rack – very convenient for letting bottles dry. Mine bottles were never even put away till we stopped using them. Just clean them and put them on the rack. You go through them like, um, water anyway. :)
• Bibs! Tons of bibs! You can’t have enough.
• Tons of burp clothes and receiving blankets for cleaning and catching the spit up. Keep them everywhere – each end of the sofa, on the backs of chairs, in every room… everywhere… and even then you won’t have one where you need it!
• Pampers diapers in the white and green package, they say Sensitive Skin. They come with the line in the middle of the diaper that turns blue when the baby pees, that came in handy. But, don’t use them for too long because as much as it would bother us adults – baby’s don’t have to be changed as soon as they pee b/c sometimes they only pee like 2 little drops and that stupid line still turns blue! But, it was really handy. :)
• A nice mobile swing can help them to sleep. I didn’t buy mine until she was 5 months old and since by then she was sleeping on her stomach it didn’t help much but the sounds and lights still helped.
• The sheets that have a zipper layer that you can easily remove and replace without removing the entire mattress to get the sheet off are awesome. You realize this after you've had to untie all the strings on the bumper, pull the mattress out, take off the sheet, put the new sheet on, put the mattress back in the bed (while not messing up the bed skirt if you have one, then re-tie the bumpers. And for moms of multiples it’s worse when they get one done and then turn to do the second bed. Ugh!
• For twins, the only stroller you will need for the first 9 months to a year is a Double Snap and Go. Don't let the store tell you that you need a fancy one. It's pointless. Get the Double Snap-N-Go. Once your twins have outgrown their baby carriers, then upgrade to a side by side. Not front and back stroller. Your babies will both want to be in the front looking out and if they're side by side than they can play together. I love my Baby Trend Jogging Stroller. Just wish it were a little lighter. But, that can be said for all strollers, especially double strollers.
• Go ahead and splurge for those precious first baby pictures. You'll never have the opportunity to take those again. Don't let anyone tell you it's too much trouble or too expensive. They're well worth it to have the memories!
• Get good lotions but don’t go crazy with them. I use lotion on Kayla only when she needs it – they have soft skin already. Aquaphor seems to be the lotion of choice, especially if they get eczema. And they don’t need diaper rash cream every time you change their diaper. Again – only when they need it. You could probably get away with never buying any – just using the free samples. In Kayla’s 7 months I’ve put diaper rash cream her less than 5 times. A + D ointment was the only recommendation I got there – I use Butt Paste.

Buying Advice

• Go to wal-mart.com and babies r us.com and read the reviews on products, they come in hand to see other peoples comments and/or pictures but then go to the store and play with the stuff. You won’t know what you need till after you’ve bought everything and started using it, so ask friends for recommendations on what they like. For example, my stroller was nice, got good reviews, but you know what – when I have the car seat/carrier in it, and the stroller seat down, I can’t get into the basket underneath. Other strollers sit up higher so you can get into the basket. I didn’t realize this when I bought it. Also, decide if you want the baby in the room with you at home or not. We did, but not in our bed so we set up the pack and play or the cradle my dad made us at the foot of our bed. But, she still ended up in our bed for the first few months. But decide what you want to do then you’ll know whether to get the pack and play or the co-sleeper or nothing.
  Buy less than you think you'll need...I feel like we have too much "stuff". Target and Wal-Mart can always be visited – and will be! Those cashiers will be your new BFFs.
• The more expensive stuff didn’t last or they don’t like – make friends with the dollar store!
• Research the pros and cons of the infant seat/carrier you like. We found out the hard way that our Chicco and Graco carriers don't fit in grocery store carts.
• If you don't receive one of the larger toy items at a shower, check out the consignment stores and sales. Most of the time these things are still in excellent condition because they aren't used for very long. Bumbos, mobiles, jumpers, snap and go strollers, etc can all be bought there. Just start looking before you need it – I always shopped too late (as in the weekend I wanted to buy) and they don’t always have things in stock. Give yourself plenty of lead time so that if they don’t have someone one weekend, maybe they have it the next.
• Check out ebay for room decorations – many things can be customized to fit your bedding choice even if it isn’t sold with the bedding set. I bought a light switch cover, a lamp cover, and had curtains and wooden letters made all to match her bedding – all bought on ebay!

Don’t waste your money on

• A fetal monitor. If it wasn’t broken or only 3 times and either way you could hardly hear anything which resulted in way too many scary moments.
• A body pillow - it didn’t help at all, not worth the $70. The baby didn’t even like to use it afterwards. I just used the extra pillows we had around the house and that worked great!
• A mini crib, get a full size crib. Too hard to find sheets for it and not practical to have at all.
• A wipe warmer. If they start out getting cold wipes they’ll never know they can be warm. If you find you need one try to get it 2nd hand b/c you won’t use it for long.
• A bottle warmer. One mom bought it to keep at the side of the crib but I never really used it. Another mama’s warmer almost melted the bottle and damaged the Playtex Drop-Ins.
• Too many toys or activity centers. They outgrow these so quickly! But do register for them. People love to buy these as gifts.
• Fancy bedding for the crib. They can't sleep with a blanket until they are almost one anyways, so it ends up in the closet. Wal-Mart had very cute things and didn’t cost an arm and a leg.

Okay, I think that's more than enough info for now. Stay tuned for another blog about baby clothes, feedings, daily care, and Things I wish I had done...

I didn't get it when parents would...

... brag about their kid's recitals or grades or social skills.

... yell at their kids in Wal-mart

... let their kids yell in Wal-mart

... whip out 16 pictures of their kids

Until now!

A few weeks ago Kayla started pulling herself up to stand, then she started to let herself fall to sit down, then she started to sit down purposefully, then she started to reach down to pick up something off the floor, then she started to turn around while standing (and still holding on to something) and with each new "achievement" I got excited. I never thought about that when I said "I want a baby" (mainly, I think, because I hadn't seen any other child grow up). I didn't think about being witness to firsts like this - I knew first tooth, first step, first smile, etc - the big ones that everyone always talks about. But these "little" ones are so cool! Because I can see her trying so hard, I can see that she's being brave, and that she's saying to herself "I can do this." I can see her growing up, right before my eyes, becoming a more independent person, wanting to do and try new things. And this is just the beginning. How exciting is that?!?!

In other, similar, news tonight I fed her her first actual "solid" food - some banana cereal puff things. I would hold it out and she would open her mouth wide in anticipation of it or, if I held it out for her, she would grab it and try to feed herself (though she wasn't exactly successful since it kept getting stuck in her grasp). This is what I'm talking about - simple, every day things, being new and exciting. What an experience to be a parent - I can't say it's unique because there are a lot of parents - but it is AWEsome! I'm lovin it!

(Oh, and about the yelling in wal-mart statements that I made above... there are times when Kayla just wants to yell - she's not mad or hurt, she just wants to yell and there's nothing you can do about it. And, in the future, I am sure there will be times (because you're never not a parent) that I will probably do some yelling at her in wal-mart because I can see she's going to be a little diva throwing temper tantrums in good ole wally world! Just thought I'd throw that in there to round out the post.)

Growing up in pictures!

Man oh man what the digital camera has done for the world, for mothers, and for mothers with horrible memories! Now, if we've been snap-happy, must fill up my 1G, 2G, and 4G memory card type people, we can look back at every single thing that has ever happened in the last few years (since we jumped on the digital camera bandwagon!). For us, that was in 2003. We bought our first one for our honeymoon. And, while we took a lot of pictures, it's nothing compared to what we took in subsequent years. It's amazing really. Back in the old days (college) when all I had was a 35mm camera, I used to joke that I had a picture for almost every day of my life for a year or two there... now I have probably 2-50 pictures of every single day of Kayla's life. Which is why, when our camera broke this morning at 10:30am - I was on the Internet immediately researching other Canons I could buy and by 7pm this evening I had a new one in my hot little hands! Eric questioned why I was so desperate to get one TONIGHT and I was like "well, what if she does the cutest thing she's ever done in her whole life and never does it again?!?!" It turns out that when we got home, we ate dinner, gave her a bath, played a little bit, and put her to sleep by 8:15.... so she didn't do the cutest thing she's ever done in her whole life... but had we not had the camera she so would have! :)

Anyway, I try to remember, while I try to capture one of her more mundane but oh so adorable moments - experience this. I read that in a new mom book a while back and it's really stuck with me. I know you can get stuck watching life through the viewfinder or the screen but it's really important to experience what's going on in front of the camera! I try, honest I do, to not capture the first time she does anything - or even the 2nd or 3rd time necessarily because those are things that I want to experience, that I want to be completely present for. So, I'm sorry for you guys that now know you aren't seeing the first of anything really, but I had to be honest because I am a mom first and photographer second. Even if it seems the other way around with the constant barrage of pictures posted to Picasa. Even if we end up with 900,000,000 extra pictures of her/our life - it's all there for us to look back on, to laugh at, to learn from, to relive. I have no regrets for the amount of pictures I take (who would!)... what I'm not so comfortable with is the fact that I don't know if I will ever get them into a scrapbook for her! I might, might, have to move to digital scrapbooking... which is super cute but just not as much fun as going to the store and buying up the cutest things and making the pages at home. But it takes a lot less time and a lot less money. So, we'll see. It might have to be my default for now.

Alright - stepping off my soapbox. Enjoy the pics this week! I uploaded some to her her outfits and her 7 month album!

She's got the whole world in her hand

When Great Grandma came out Kayla was just 6 weeks old. GG would try to hard so get her to open up her little hands, but she just wasn't ready to do that. Well, guess what! Now she is. Don't get me wrong, she didn't just start doing it... I'm leading up to something here. She has always grabbed on to whatever's put into her hands, and now whatever happens to be anywhere near her hands. But, now, she reaches out and puts her open palm against your arm, or shoulder, or face, or belly... whatever she can reach. And it is just the sweetest thing.

She actually wants to be close to you and can in fact get close to you on her own. She creeps over to me sometimes and (I swear) tries to crawl into my lap. Or in her bouncer she'll reach out and try to touch you - instead of her toys. It absolutely makes my heart melt.

An Ode To Her Hands

She wants them in her mouth, or holding whatever is near her (or can creep to) including her feet. She uses them to guide the spoon into her mouth. When she's creeping she puts them together and uses them to pull herself forward. When she's in her bath or the pool she uses them to splash. When you're holding her she is equally likely to hit you with them when she gets excited or simply lay them on you when she's calm. In her bouncer she can spin the little froggy a million miles an hour or grab her favorite toy - the elephant. While trying to go to sleep when sucks on them, through whatever mitten (or sock) she has on.

When she's in my arms, I am absolutely in the palm of her hand.

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people.” Thich Nhat Hanh

Bloggervention

That's right - I think I need a Bloggervention! I'm addicted, addicted I tell you to mom blogs and facebook. I check them all the time, at inopportune times, and every night just waiting for something new to be posted. Does that mean I don't have my own life? Not exactly... it means maybe I could be more productive. :) But, that said, I think reading these other blogs gives me a sense of 'we're doing okay', or 'she's normal' or 'it could be worse' or 'I am not alone'. Grandad sent me an article a while back about using your blog to make some extra cash... seems the whole world has done that already. I would love to but I can't see that I could write about anything different than what is already out there. Anyway, I made a list over there on the side of my favorite mom blogs...for those of you who care. :)


I was thinking about my addiction the other day, thinking "how did we live before the Internet?" And, you know what, I'm pretty sure that people didn't live thousands of miles away from their friends and family - and if they did they didn't get to know them very well because of snail mail. But, the point being, family and friends don't always live close, and you don't always have someone to turn to to ask their advise, their opinion, to vent, to brag, whatever. Today you have the world at your finger tips - you just think of a question, type it into google, and automatically get a thousand different answers. Which in and of itself can be daunting but nevertheless the information is available - 24/7. I also think that the Internet (and blogs and facebook in particular) can really supplement your life quite nicely, if you let it. I often find myself cracking up at blogs people post or things I find on the Internet. I nod my head in agreement or say "that's just stupid". Maybe it's just me, maybe I connect to things more easily than I should, but why not? There are a lot of questions that have risen over whether the Internet is replacing face to face relationships or if those people who spend all their time in online relationships don't spend enough of their time out in the real world. I guess it could get to that point but it doesn't have to. And, think about people who can't leave their house for whatever reason, isn't it a good thing that they can still connect with other people? I think the online world is doing great things to help people connect in ways never before possible, and I for one am going to take advantage.


Does that mean I don't think I need a bloggervention? I don't know - maybe I still do... :)

Blog - do not include

Well, I've been busy changing this here blog. I changed the way the archived posts are displayed - it's a drop down menu now so it takes less space. I added the Where Are We badge by Google Latitude so that when we go somewhere you can see where we are on the map. I also added the GoodReads.com badge that displays all the books I've read and the WalkItOff widget - a Parents.com walking challenge that I joined. Just thought I'd make it a little more interesting. I had no idea how much you can do with this thing! I'm sure I'll find more things the longer I use it. Enjoy!

Lessons Learned

**** I wrote this on 4/19, just didn't get it posted until now.***

Well, it seems we now have had all the family that's going to come out, out. Her Granny and Grandpa were the last ones, that we know of, and they left less than an hour ago. While Ms. Kayla is sleeping I thought I'd take the time to blog about learning from the family. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know everything. I read a lot and try to act like I know what's going on but there's always more to learn.

Nana - Sometimes you learn things because of something that didn't happen - in this case I learned to ask for help. I have no problem asking Eric for help, but in front of family members I guess I wanted to seem like I could do it all, no problem. I would try to open a bottle or pick things up or any one a million things that are nearly impossible to do while holding another human being, and mom would be trying to take Kayla so I could do what I needed to do. :) But every time she tried to help I 'd say "No, I got it." Why? I don't know. I just felt like I should be able to get it. But, in the future, I'm going to try to be better about asking for or accepting help.

Grandma (Rita)- Grandma was so great at putting Kayla to sleep - rocking her for ever, bouncing her, singing to her - I nicknamed her the baby whisperer. She was the one to figure out that Kayla liked to be bounced to sleep and for that I am eternally grateful. :) She is also great at talking to Kayla in person, over the phone, or on the computer. She just gets all happy and talks to her like it's nobody's business.

Great Grandma and Great Grandpa Bob - Their visit coincided with a time that I was trying to let her sit or lay by herself so she would get used to the idea of entertaining herself. They helped me do that - we left her in her swing while we ate or laying on her play mat while we visited. They were also the first ones to be around after Kayla was first born - Nana and Grandma were there at the beginning when I needed all the help I could get, but after they left we learned to do everything on our own. So, when the great-grandparents came I had to realize that other people could take care of her, would be taking care of her - that we didn't have to be the only one's to do things. Their visit was actually perfect timing because daycare was starting soon and that was a lesson I needed to learn quickly.

Great Grandad and Great Granny Carole - They loved to sing to her, and I remember them singing to me when I spent time with them growing up. Kayla doesn't get sung to much around here because mom can't carry a tune in a bucket, but at this point I don't think she cares. Now I just have to learn the words to some songs. :)

Grandpa and Granny Chris - I learned to help her explore her own body. Until now she's basically been unaware that she has appendages, but she's starting to figure it out. Grandpa had her grabbing her toes with her hands so that she figures out what those hands are for and that she has toes. I don't know that I would have thought to have her grab her feet but I think that it's something I will do now.

And, for the really big lesson, learned from all of the above. It would be great to be in TX. We wouldn't get to see everyone all the time, but certainly more often than we see them now. And having all these other people around Kayla would be so great for her - not only to get to know her family but to learn from them as well. So, to all of you who keep asking when we're moving back... just as soon as we can. That doesn't mean next month or next year necessarily, but as soon as we can make it happen we will.

Slowing Down/Speeding Up

Well, it seems that these posts are probably going to come a little less often, or maybe a little more frequently but shorter. I don't know yet. It was kind of a slow week. We did visit the Upland Lemon Festival last week where we saw an elephant - next year maybe she can ride it - and a stand where they were trying to make the worlds largest glass of lemonade. I thought about having her touch a lemon so she could get her name in the Guinness Book of World records but figured she was too small.

We also played dress up last weekend and have some fun pictures of that. She's getting better at holding on to things - she holds on to everything she can reach and tries to put it in her mouth. She's a lot more vocal these days - apparently she has something to say. :) The daycare also put her in a bumbo chair, much to Eric's chagrin, so now she's the queen of the daycare sitting in her thrown while the other little minions crawl around. So, now we bought one for the house since she's always trying to sit up. We've only had it a day but she seems to enjoy it. I think she's outgrown the bouncer - the bumbo has now replaced it.

I would love for her to start sleeping through the night and decrease the crying - as I've been told would happen around three months but neither of those has happened... yet. In fact, I think she's figured out that if she cries loud enough mommy will pick her up. I was able to leave her and let her cry, when I knew nothing was wrong, but now that she's gotten louder and gets her whole body into it I have a hard time. One day I'll learn I guess.

This week I started a group for working mom's in my city on Meetup.com - a website dedicated to starting online groups that have regular get togethers. I was so frustrated that all the mommy and me type events/activities were held during the day, during the week when I couldn't attend. My Gym, Gymboree, playgroups, etc - all held for stay at home moms. So, I took matters into my own hands and started a group. So far I only have 4 ladies but it's only been a couple days so hopefully this takes off and I have a chance to meet up with other working moms.

So, enjoy the pictures from this week. I have a couple other posts that I've started and haven't posted yet so check back later this week and hopefully I'll have them done.

Becoming a Parent

So, main things I wanted to talk about on here - the new found fear of death, creating a perfect life, worrying, pure joy, and daycare.

1. Fear of Death. Yup, never before did dying, anyone in my family dying, concern me. It's not that I thought we would all live forever, it just wasn't something I thought of a lot. But now, it's right at the front of my brain - I don't want to die, I don't want Kayla to die, I don't want Eric to die, I don't want anyone to die. What brings this on? A horrible nightmare that I won't even get into other than to say that (obviously) someone put the fear of death in me and it was AWFUL! It's one of those stupid nightmares that I will remember for the rest of my life and I hate that but I can't do anything about it. Anyway, back on topic, I know that at some point it's going to happen, but... I don't know what to say other than I hope it doesn't happen any time soon and I hope we all die in our sleep when we're really really old and I hope that Kayla outlives us. Anything else, I couldn't handle. I was just given such wonderful life, and maybe that's what the dream was really about, that it would be horrific if it were suddenly taken away. This is not to say that I'm now ultra-careful or ultra-fearful of living life, I'm just very aware of how wonderful it is. Which brings me to the 2nd topic.

2. While Grandma was here, she turned to me and said "Can you believe you created something so perfect?" Gee, Grandma, get deep. She said that to me the 2nd day she was here and I was completely caught off guard. I hadn't thought of the pregnancy or motherhood that way but she's right. With everything that could go wrong, nothing did. Somehow all the little cells and chromosomes, pieces and parts all came together exactly right and Kayla is perfect. I won't say that to her when she knows what perfect means, we don't want her getting a big head, but for now it's okay to tell her that over and over again. It is absolutely amazing - and yet it happens every day to all kinds of different people all over the world. Maybe I'm the only oblivious one, but I wonder how many people realize that what they hold in their hands is a perfectly created life. My guess would be very few people - we all know that our babies are wonderful but it's not quite the same. We created a perfect little life and that should be treasured.

3. Worrying! I worry all the time. I worried when I was pregnant and everyone said it was just the beginning - oh how right they were. Now I worry if she's sleeping too much or too little, if I'm stimulating her enough or letting her rest enough, if I'm holding her enough or if I'm holding her too much, if I should let her cry it out sometimes or if I really want to give her the pacifier yet, if she's eating too much or too little, etc. It's exhausting! There's constantly something to worry about. And there's no stopping it. I don't know if I need to come to peace with the worrying or if I need to come to peace with life so I don't worry so much (yet another thing to worry about :) ). There's always going to be something, or more like 10 things, to worry about so I guess the answer is the latter. :)

Other than the worrying I think we have things pretty well put together. She really is a good baby. We got lucky that she isn't a colicky baby. Sure she cries, and her new cry that sounds like we're murdering her no matter what's wrong is crazy, but we can usually calm her down. She smiles throughout the day so we know she's happy. She's gaining weight so we know she's well fed. What more can you ask for - fat and happy.

5. Pure JOY! I had no idea how often this little one could stop me in my tracks, in my thoughts, and bring me such joy. Seriously, I'm sitting there one minute thinking about something stupid like "should I defrost the chicken" and I look at her or think of her and my heart skips a beat and I smile and think - God I love her. Seriously. "They" said this would happen, that you never knew you could love someone so much, but until it actually happens to you you don't understand. And now I do. Now I know what pure joy, total bliss, absolute love feels like. I know - those are pretty strong words, but it's true. There are definitely times I want to pull my hair out but they are outweighed by these moments where I just want to pick her up and hold her and kiss her and tell her a million times how much I love her. It's insane how much I love her.

4. Daycare. I have to say as much as it's going to kill me to put her in daycare - I think it will be good for her and for us. At this point, it is a little hard to stay interested in "something" that doesn't do anything, doesn't talk back, doesn't hardly look at you (she spends a lot of her time looking to the side), and who's only communication with you is screaming. I try but it's hard. Thank goodness for naps. :) That's where the worrying about stimulation comes in - when is it too much or not enough? At least in daycare she will be well socialized and the teachers there have degrees in child development so they will help her to grow and teach her every day. I don't relish the idea that someone else will have her 12 hours a day but you do what you have to do and pray the guilt doesn't kill you. :)


Okay, well, it's now past 4:30am - I've been up for the last 2 hours since Kayla ate. Why is it that my daughter can sleep but I can't? Guess we'll have a nice long nap today sometime. I hope this doesn't happen when I go back to work - I'm pretty sure my boss wouldn't allow for nap time. :)

(This pic was taken when she was just 2 weeks old, but seeing as it shows just how perfect she is I thought it was appropriate.)

Random Thoughts About Our Third Week As Parents

Mommy-hood is really fantastic - most of the time...until she starts screaming/crying and there's nothing we can do to calm her down. But sometimes it's funny b/c she's perfectly calm, nothing changes at all, and she'll start wailing, or she is wailing and then suddenly she is basically asleep. It's crazy. Sometimes bouncing works, or rocking, or vibrating, or holding her by her armpits and just letting her dangle, or raising her up over your head over and over again - it's so strange what gets her to stop screaming sometimes.

But when she's awake and calm, or sleeping on my (or his) chest (she likes that b/c she can hear the heartbeat), it's the best thing in the world.

Of course, she doesn't do a whole lot right now so it's not too exciting... yet. Eric's favorite thing is the bath - he just thinks it's really funny b/c she's so slippery. She's generally pretty good about the bath - not her favorite thing but not horrible.

We finally figured out that she gets tired within about an hour of eating so she gets really fussy and we try to put her to sleep. That, and keeping her off the bottle, is keeping her happier these last few days. Which stinks b/c she'll have to be on a bottle when I go back to work but we've got time to work that out.

Eric goes back to work this week so I'm on my own for the first time today- should be interesting. I'm sure we'll manage on our own - just gotta keep her fed, dry, and not-tired. :)

People told me stories about bad postpartum depression, about poor breastfeeding, about crazy hormones, etc - I haven't experienced anything that bad. I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy and so far a pretty uneventful 1st few weeks. If we swaddle her she sleeps for 4-5 hours at night, she latches on to eat beautifully (though that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt), and I haven't felt anything other than pure joy (well, I did tell her I was going to kill her once - a few days ago- when it seemed like all she did was scream and suck and I was getting so frustrated and sore).

Things come naturally. I don't do well with other folks kids - want nothing to do with them - but when it's your own - the mothering instinct that you never knew you had kicks in and things just work. My cousin told me that once they are here it's like they were never not part of your life - and that is so true. You just know what to do or you try a thousand things and figure it out.

Well, it's way past feeding time so I must go wake Ms. Kayla up. By the time we get her to sleep it's about 30 minutes before her next feeding time so I usually let her sleep - I think sleep outranks eating at this point. :) You know - laying around all day is exhausting. :)

Iron Jawed Angels

So, a few months ago I got an email from my dad's future wife talking about women's suffrage and this movie Iron Jawed Angels. The email gave a brief synopsis of the movie - about how the women who fought for women's suffrage were abused, by both men and women, in their fight for equality and the real cost of the struggle. It was enough to make me rent the movie. And movie was enough to bring tears to my eyes.

At a time when the democratic process is so important and yet so questioned it almost makes you wonder if you should vote, this film won't let you not vote, as a woman. Throughout this Decision '08 time I've questioned who I will vote for in November, but watching what the women fought for, what they believed in, what they endured to make sure that every mom, daughter, sister, aunt, and grandmother has the right to say who they think should run our country has at least made it so that whenever I decide who I will vote for, that vote will count. To think that less than a hundred years ago we couldn't even voice our opinions, and now in 2008 there may be a woman who is the voice. I highly recommend the movie to anyone - it was an HBO special but it's available to rent. It's really quite awesome.

Denim Day In LA

Okay, so today is Denim Day in LA. What is that you ask? Well, depending on who you are, it's either a) a reason to wear jeans to work on a Wednesday, or b) a reason to wear jeans as "a symbol of protest against erroneous and destructive attitudes about sexual assault". I would hope it's the latter for most people but I fear it is not. But, that's why I am wearing jeans today - and it's why I encouraged the rest of the ISIS team to wear jeans.

Why jeans? Why not?

Because, in Italy, a man's conviction of a rape sentence was overturned by thte Supreme Court when the Judge said “because the victim wore very, very tight jeans, she had to help him remove them, and by removing the jeans it was no longer rape but consensual sex.”

Because the number one excuse given for raping someone is based on the clothing the victim wore - tight clothes, low cut jeans, etc.

Because most folks don't wear jeans to work in the middle of the week and wearing them might make someone ask why you're wearing them, thus raising the level of awareness about the campaign.

Because every two and a half minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.

Because one in six American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape.

Because survivors deserve support and assistance, not shame and blame.

BECAUSE

I am one of the lucky ones - I am not a victim - but that doesn't mean I don't know victims. That doesn't mean that I couldn't be a victim. This organization, this campaign, just wants to be able to provide victims help and support. They want victims to speak out, to not be afraid, blamed, or ashamed.

Young or old, male or female, single or married - it can happen to anyone. And if it does, I would hope that there is someone there to listen, to help, comfort, and support.